Top 10 Reasons to Become a Professional Athlete

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Top Ten Reasons to Become a Professional Athlete

10. Lose teeth, grow a cave man beard to nest your sweat, and have women fall at your stinky feet. Euh, disgusto. By the way, Ryan Smith, will you marry me?

9. You get to date Paris Hilton – Oh wait, this is for the Top reasons? Sorry, Jose... er, I mean sorry readers…

8. You’re rewarded for your stupidity when the media spreads your gospel worldwide:

Paul Hamm, gymnast: “I owe a lot to my parents. Especially my mother and father.”

Tito Fuentes, baseball player: “They shouldn’t throw at me. I’m the father of five or six kids.”

Shaquille O’Neal, basketball player: “I’ve won at every level – except college and pro.” [editor’s note: also except rapping and acting]

7. No need to lift weights like a maniac at the gym. Just put on some of your bling, but remember not to wear it on the same muscle group two days in a row.

6. Get a better grasp of economics. For those of you who don’t fall into the professional athlete category, you may still benefit from this point by enrolling in “Latrell Sprewell’s Economics 14.625.000” – just remember to make your cheque payable to the “Latrell Sprewell I-somehow-must-manage-to-feed-my-family Foundation."

5. Change teams faster than Paris Hilton changes STD's (again, sorry Jose). And the more often you switch teams, the better you'll have your press conference speech down pact, “I’m really excited to be with ___________ organization. It’s a great group of guys. This will be a great year for the organization.”

4. You can learn a lot about fellow professional athletes’ mamas.

3. Drug users are on Team Road Runner. Drug testers are on Team Coyote. “Quick Coyote! Road Runner is about to round the bases! Use your ACME testing equipment! You’ll surely catch him this time!”

2. You’re allowed to drive 180 mph and beat people senseless (racecar drivers and boxers notwithstanding).

1. ATTENTION! ATTENTION! We must cut this blog short to bring you an important newsbreak: Sport heroes, Brett Myers and Patrick Roy, to deliver upcoming seminar series free to the Public! Domestic Abuse: A Game all Athletes Can Play.

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